context??

 I don't know what to talk about

which is a lie

I do have something in mind which is why I'm writing this right now.

I am average wanker, the most average among wankers, yes more of us exist but are too busy practicing what we preach and haven't been in touch for a long time now.

Before i was average wanker people on discord knew me as 

strives to be average someday

a username i actually felt was perfect at describing me

a username that would get a mention from a total stranger on the internet saying "username checks out"

or at least i thought it would

but i was wrong? i used to think (and maybe still do?) that average people have it all together, unlike myself.

I got a compliment today, it was a compliment for my "observing power" which was rather ironic because most of the time i am out doing the aforementioned "observing" its just me getting in my head because every single thing is so fucking overwhelming

i have many problems i need to work on, one which is my rock attitude

yes i just came up with rock attitude™ and hold up I will now explain the logic behind it

there's a rock in a forest

this rock stands there alone

the forest is huge and dense

but right where this rock is

the trees don't cover it

there's harsh sunlight on it during the day

there's grass growing all around it 

tickling it but not in a way it would like

no, its the annoying kind of tickling

the trees shed their leaves 

and a few of those leaves make their way to the rock

covering it but not enough to protect it from the sun

they are just stuck there and the stone cannot move them

there's ants now

they burrow their way inside the stone 

crawling everywhere

and there's

the rain

slowly eroding the giant rock

every drop slowly chipping away

till the rock is finally a speck of dust?

Now imagine being that rock

doesn't matter if there's something bothering you

you let it be because you don't want to be a bother to anyone else

so it doesn't matter

and you just let it all build up

all your frustration

you don't do anything about it

because you my friend

are a rock

and a rock just stays still

a rock could just go around expressing all its emotions

but what kind of rock would it be then?

the anxiety keeps building up

it takes a hold of you

you don't want to breathe anymore

not because you're suicidal

no

it hurts

every breath you draw

it physically hurts

from the inside

your heart is being gripped to tight

your chest feels so heavy like an anvil is on top

and you want it all to just stop

because you don't know how to. 

But time, time is the greatest healer, you give yourself time and you will come to realize that it shouldn't matter, all this while you have been over reacting, you don't know what is going on in everyone else's life, but you know for a fact that they must be going through something worse and knowing that how can you be the one to cry first when they are trying so hard to hold it all in, trying not to break so you better imitate them because what they're doing must be right?

I got home early today, earlier than usual, no one was here except me, now I will confess to something

I want to be alone, but I don't like it. I don't like being alone with myself because when I can't find anything to distract myself  I start thinking, I start thinking and I don't stop and I can't control myself 

I was watching komi san but it didn't work so i picked up my phone and somehow i ended up opening instagram and found a reddit thread posted on it

a thread on - what is something you want to say to an entire community of strangers on the internet but not in real life

and the first slide 

the first slide was enough of a trigger, i don't know what was going on in my head but it was too incomprehensible, tears just kept rushing out, nose filled with snot blocking my airway and that noise the noise of sobbing which sounds like stammering that wretched noise.

I don't know why I was crying, my face didn't know what emotion to project so it just kept switching between confusion-joy-sorrow

i was crying but i didn't want it to stop, i wanted to scream, but not scream words no, i only wanted to let my voice out but i don't know why 

a while later

the tears subsided and I was waiting because now it was almost time for my mother to reach home I figured I would wipe them away and wash my face when I get up to open the door for her 

but when she rang the bell after her long day of work i rushed to open the door and remembered i hadn't washed my face, so i went to the washroom right after i opened the door and i looked at my face, you couldn't even tell whether I had cried or not but i washed it anyway and she didn't say anything and we continued about our usual routine.

It has been a few weeks now since 'it' , now i'm telling you all about it because you kept asking me questions out of concern and its about time i give you a straight answer instead of avoiding it with counter questioning or lying. 

A few weeks ago, we were sitting in the classroom, it was last period on a Thursday, a few of you had went out to get your books, the class was scattered with groups claiming their territories, I had no one siting beside me so i figured i should put on my earphones and was about to play some music with my head down on the desk but then i started thinking and i couldn't stop thinking about nothing in particular but everything, my eyes were full of tears in the middle of class, you three finally came back and caught me sloppily wiping my tears, you tried to cheer me up, you tried

I don't know how to talk about this face-to-face so i figured i'll tell you all here, it happens every few months, i never know why, but its not something to be worried about, if i ever need your help i will bother you but right now i don't need it, i can pick myself back up again if you let me,

i am grateful for everything you do, all the tiny little things, im sorry if i ever let it go unnoticed, all of your effort. 

you don't need to worry about anything average wanker is alright uwu

side note -

i spent a long time waiting for a friend at the metro station today and for some reason all the trains were going by a little faster than usual, since it was an under ground metro station the rush of wind that reaches the station before the train working as an alert for the passengers was way stronger than usual like you were caught up in a storm of dry air.

all that wind messed up the regular way i kept my hair, by the first train i thought of fixing my hair like i usually do but then i did not want to, i thought that no one there actually gives a shit about how my hair looks, 6-7 trains left thereafter and every single time i just stood there waiting for the wind to blow on my face. 

i went to college thinking i wouldn't change the hair even if anyone mentions my hair looks different i become conscious over it, but the entire day passed and no one said a thing.

my mother was watching television right in front me and as i was typing out this post she says, my hair looks different today and she likes it.